Mumps Outbreak Reachs Epic Proportions

The Mumps epidemic that is wreaking havoc throughout the Halifax area appears to have no end in sight. Even those previously thought untouchable are now falling like flies. The most recent victim, who we'll call "The Beaver" (1983-2007) fell last night, her name is being withheld to protect those close to her who are now most likely also infected.

A roommate of The Beaver's who had been in hiding was reached for comment last night. Dr Spifficus O'Malley had this to say: "you can always come up here and rock it out with us... i even have a room you can sleep in. now whats wrong wiht that? nothing... i think noit... i will accept your resume in the AM, ps i am fucking loaded" Clearly the stress has overwhelmed Dr O'Malley and driven him to drink. Also the offers to come stay with someone have been known to be a common symptom for all of the infected. It is now assumed that Dr O'Malley has also fallen and will not be heard from again. He will not be missed.

Two tortured souls still survive in the metro area, isolated in a dungeon that used to be renowned across North America, Europe and in a few isolated Thai bars for the extreme S&M that used to go on their. Now it shelters two of our valued colleagues, Reigning Champion of Grossness Emojill, and her lifemate Mo-seph. They've barricaded themselves in their tiny hole and armed themselves to defend against the infected. Emojill was nearly lost to a deceptive plot by The Beaver but fortunately was successful in escaping. She had one request, that her final words get out to the rest of the world. So I now present them to you:

"Just tell them I love them all, you know who I love...and...if you don't...well just find random people. I want my love spread everywhere. Don't tell them how I like to eat my boogers though, that's not how I want to be remembered. Umm oh tell Brian I always thought he was fat, I just pretend otherwise cause I hate having to see him cry as much as he does already. And I think that's all, ok I need to go find some boys, I want to touch as many penises as i can before I die, ok, bye."

We also asked Mo-seph for a comment:

"Mwaaaaahh huh? Wha who? Hummba...yea...gummy goda bet. Eat mey bothole bitchez"

Mo-seph claimed he was tired from his most recent excursion for supplies, but it's more likely that he came in contact with an infected while outside and is now about to unleash his terror on poor Emojill. Below is an artists rendering of him coming home with the supplies. And for the record he's the one in the front, for once he's not the biggest flamer in a picture.

Rest in pieces guys.