Does No Penis = No Man?

I had a deep philosophical question raised to me early by a "friend." I say "friend" because I really can't stand the guy. For the sake of an argument, let's call him Bean. I think if I called him Ryan it would be pretty embarassing since that's his real name. So anyway, he wanted to know if just because his penis is attacted to his body by velcro does that make him less of a man. After I spent a good half hour or so vomiting my lower intestines into the nearest trashcan because he tried to show it to me I started to think about it for him. The result I came to: Of course it does. The more important question I had for him was if he purchased the thing himself, why in blue blazes did he get one small enough so that the crippled squirell who lives in my backyard would snicker at it. Then using the logic I learn in my Intro Philosphy class (I failed but so what?) I was able to determine that: If you're not smart enough to buy a large fake penis because you don't have a penis, therefore not having a penis makes you not intelligent. I challenge anyone to argue with such sound flawless logic as that. Any arguments please bring to the attention of our Director of Customer Relations: Brian "Baby Nuts" George.

Returning Television Shows

A quick run through of the shows we have retuning this fall, we wont include Lost and 24 since they're coming back in January, except I guess I kind of just did include them. Shit. Whatever, they're essentially the best shows on TV and everything else is just filler until the next episode of either. And Battlestar, that's quite chalk full of awesome as well. Anyway, here we go in no real order other than when they come into my head.

Heroes
Starting on Sept.24
Volume 2 of what was essentially last years biggest hit will feature more and more greatness from the likes of Mr Petrelli and Hiro. As well we get to delve deeper into "the boogeyman" and everyone's favourite Vulcan Sylar will be up to some new tricks. Joining the cast this year most importantly is uber-hot Kristen Bell who I could watch sit in a chair and scribble notes for hours on end, but luckily they are gonna let me watch her run around with supposedly some pretty sick powers.

Smallville
Starting on Sept.27
Clark and the gang are back for another year of hijinks's as Superman gets one year closer to becoming...Super. I've already talked about the new season on here so I won't get into it too much. So we'll just sum it up, Lana is back, Lois is badass, Supergirl is gonna be great, Bizzaro should be fun, Bruce Wayne better show up or I'll stop watching the show.

Prison Break
Started on Sept.17
Scofield's got himself back in prison and he's got himself another schmuck to bust out, this time with Linc on the outside to give him help. Somehow I don't think he'll make much difference. Should hopefully be fun though seeing as they got rid of most of the dead weight and kept the best characters around, Billick, Mahone, T-Bag and the brothers of course. Also, did we see Kellerman die last year? Is it possible he could've survived? All I know is I never saw a body, and if that Private Practice show doesn't do well, which I'm betting it won't, we could be seeing him make an appearance. I haven't heard anything official on this, just a guess I'm making on my own.

Battlestar Galactica
I doubt anyone of you even watch this show and you're really missing out. I know there's a stigma with it being a reinvention of the campy 70's show and it being sci-fi and all that, but it really is one of the best written, well acted shows on TV with fantastic visuals and compelling and relevant story lines. It takes a good look at what we might become if we're suddenly the underdog and pushed to the brink of extinction, plus the irony that it's because of our own creations. Through in the fact that the humans in the show are based around a polytheistic religion while the "evil" Cylons are on a quest to find the "one God" and do what they believe he has meant for them. It's also pretty good on cliffhangers because last seasons finale blew my tiny little mind and I for one can't wait to see how it turns out.

House
Starting..soon i dunno fuck you check the tv guide
Will House get his team back? Will he start a new team? Will he say screw teams altogether? Can he still keep that razor sharp wit? Does it matter? House is the man, you know those cry baby assistants will come back because really who wouldn't want to be there along side the greatest doctor of our time. That and I can't see any of them carrying a show of their own so they really have nowhere to go.

Dexter
The biggest question of all returning shows this year. Can Dexter recapture the magic of the absolutely amazing first season? Lord I hope so. This was a great take on the whole forensics expert show and the great acting from everyone but most especially Michael C Hall. This show needs to have a great second season because not nearly enough people know about it yet.

Supernatural
The Winchester boys are back for more good old fashioned demon hunting. This year will take a more singular plot throughout the season with random hunts mixed in to keep things fresh. There also adding a couple babe-o-licious hunters, I haven't seen them but it's the CW so I just assume even if they have a show about an "ugly" girl she's gonna be hot as balls.

Grey's Anatomy
While I definitely don't think the second season came anywhere near the level of greatness of the first, I am going to give it the benefit of the doubt and one more season to recapture my love. They have no more on set distractions from hate mongers and whatnot, plus they added Chyler Leigh to play Meredith's sister and add a whole lot more potential for drama. I've also been slightly in love with her since she was on That 80's Show, which yes was a real show, just not for long.

That should pretty much wrap it up. I will throw a quick shout out to How I Met Your Mother, Doogie Howser is a comedy God on that show, and 30 Rock. I near pissed when they had a clip on the Emmys where Tina Fey asked Alec Baldwin why he was wearing a tux and he replied, "It's after 6. What am I, a farmer?" I would've included Friday Night Lights but by putting in literally on Friday nights NBC has essentially already cancelled this show and it won't last the season unless there's a change made sharpish.

Everyone Cheats, The Jets Just Aren't Good At It

Well, well, well this story actually came out before last weekend. There are photos surfacing of a man standing on the Jets sidelines videotaping their opponents on several different occaisions. He appears not just when they're playing the Patriots, and in different cities. He also is clearly not wearing the NFL media vests they made such a big deal about for the Patriots camera guy not wearing. Check out this link and then laugh about how no one cares when a shitty team cheats.

Also, after Sunday's games this week Brain Billick, coach of the Batlimore Ravens came out and accused the Jets outright of cheating in their game by illegaly simulating the snap count to have the offensive linemen jump offsides. This can be attributed to a couple things, (1) Billick is as fatheaded as they come and could've just wanted some attention, (2) Mangini broke the code of ratting out a coach for something they all do so now he's gonna get treated like this all the time, (3) Mangini is an ignorant arrogant schmuck with the balls to cheat the week after calling out another coach for cheating and having everyone make a huge deal out of essentially nothing. Afterall, it's not like one of their players killed his ex-girlfreind and her new boyfriend, or paid someone to kill another person. Cause if that kind of thing happened in the NFL we'd really see some outrage. Oh wait, never mind. Anyway here's a link to the Billick story if u need it.

Best Worst Title Ever

This just made me laugh first and then once I read on I realized it really is a horribly awful story, credit goes to the guys from Withleather though for that title. Ill lay it on you first before filling you in on the rest:

Volleyball player Leads Team in Kills

Click the title for the story but basically some college volleyball player got preggers, had the baby and then decided rather than be rational and deal with it like a normal person she would instead pull the crazy card and kill the baby. Some people just make you wonder how we made it this far as a species. But still, that title, comedy gold.

Is that a life-sized Silver Surfer statue you say? Why yes, yes it is I reply. You may be wondering why we might have this and honestly I couldn't give you a good answer beyond Kirk found it at an auciton, and it had to be done. Does it fit anywhere? Not even close, and thats even without the 10ft surboard he's supposed to be standing on. But the important question is: Are all you douchebags totally jealous? Of course the answer is yes. Especially Melanie who has already made several requests to "borrow" him for "a couple nights". Mel likes shiny guys, it explains the whole her and Brian thing. Why is Brian is shiny? Good question. The answer: he shaves his arm and leg hair off. He says it gives him better aerodynamics. For what I'm not sure cause seeing as he's terrified of water he's not much of a swimmer. That guy creeps me out.

She Sells Seashells by the Sea Shore...

Note to everyone, don't take allergy pills, a couple T3 and then drink Full Throttle, cause wow.

I don't know what it is, but something about this picture just screams "Bring it in you little whiny bitches!!" Only now, after the Patriots kindly handed the Chargers their own arses on silver platters does everyone who rallied against the Pats realize what they did. In the run up to the Super Bowl or even playoff games, everyone is always careful to watch what the say to avoid providing a team any "bulliten board" material. To not give the other team a rallying point they could all get behind and get angry about. I guess being this early in the season it wasn't really on everyone's mind as they aren't in mid season form, but by accusing Belichick of cheating and saying the previous Super Bowl victories are all tainted, some went so far as to even say Tom Brady wouldn't be as good a Quarterback as he is without the spying, they gave the most talented team in the league a reason to destroy all comers this season and show exactly what they can do.

Let's do a quick recap of the season thus far:

The Jets were a team that gave the Patriots fits last year, won the first game before dropping the second and the playoff game while still keeping it close. The Chargers beat New England in Foxboro during the season before losing in the playoffs in a close game that they probably should've won. Now we come to this season, the Jets and Chargers are both decimated in almost identical fashion. Offensive yards, points, everything was almost exactly the same. The only other team in the NFL supposedly capable of giving the Patriots a run for their money is the Colts, who people thought were dominant in their win over the Saints, but it turns out the Saints just suck. Then they have trouble putting away the Titans. After the Colts and Pats face each other in week 9 everyone will know for sure that the rest of the season is just a question of how bad they Patriots are going to beat the rest of the league. And I love every bit of it.

P.S. Jets Suck.

Time to Get Serious

Ok people, it's time to lighten up about this whole Patriots spying on the Jets ordeal. It's being blown way out of proportion by a combination of people who don't know what they're talking about and people who need reasons to hate the Pats. To say the Patriots were "cheating" is a little unfair. You would also have to call any player who takes an offsides penalty or pass interference penalty a cheater as well. Reason being they were attempting to gain an advantage in an illegal way. The fact that the were trying to steal signals isn't in question. Stealing signals isn't even illegal. The only thing they did wrong was use a video camera. If a Patriots player had stood on the field and watched all the signals made and then relayed them to the sidelines so they could be recorded, there would be no issue as it's perfectly legal and for the most part accomplishes the exact same thing. They just attempted to skip a step and get those signals a little easier. Wrong? Yes. The same way jumping offsides to try and get a step on the defensive player is wrong. You are punished for it with a 5 yard penalty and the game moves on. There's no talk of going back and reviewing all you previous plays to see how many times you might have jumped early in the past, you aren't labeled a cheater. The advantage the Patriots were trying to obtain was not an illegal one, just their method was. Everyone in the NFL knows this happens and anyone who says they don't is a fucking liar. Team's regularly change signals and throw out false signals because they know any of the 70,000 people in the arena can see what they're doing. Belichick didn't hide a camera in their locker room, he didn't sneak in and photocopy the playbook, so get a life people.

Fall Movie Preview

It's time for my 8th Annual Fall Movie Preview. Where I take a look at what movies are coming out this Fall season and tell you what you should be looking forward to. If you disagree with any of my choices you can promptly eat a dick. Bean will probably let you eat his. It's detachable anyway so....you know...its convenient. First we'll take a look at the top movies, the ones I'll be at the theater to see the first chance I get and so odds are one of you reading this will be dragged along also. And of course by dragged along I mean you'll be begging me to let you be the one that accompanies me. Anyway let's get it going:

3:10 to Yuma
Dir: James Mangold (Walk the Line)
Starring: Christian Bale, Russell Crowe, Ben "Angel Eyes" Foster
-Technically, I've already seen this movie, but I included it because I am definitely going again as soon as possible. It was beyond awesome, Bale and Crowe were there usual manly selves, but as the stories go Ben Foster steals this movie from the both of them. He belongs in the old days when they made this kind of movie all the time. I want to see him face off against Clint and Lee van Cleef. He plays crazy so well and his walk is pure badass cowboy. If you want to still be my friend you will see this movie.

Eastern Promises
Dir: David Cronenberg (History of Violence)
Starring: Viggo "King of Men" Mortensen, Naomi "Glass Cutter" Watts, Vincent "That Guy from the Oceans Movies" Cassell
-Even though some people didn't think too much of A History of Violence (Boat) I loved it. Viggo played the part like a champ and Mr Cronenberg loves him some bloody fights. This time around Viggo isn't even going to bother pretending to be good, he's a Russian mobster with a body covered in prison tats. In an interview with GQ (it's at my desk and I read it yesterday fuck you) Viggo called one of the opening fights in the movie "...at some level, everyone's worst nightmare." It's described in the article as being "viscerally brutal". I am so there.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Dir: Andrew Dominik (Chopper)
Starring; Brad Pitt, Casey "Little Ben" Affleck, Zooey "HAB" Deschanel
- The second western on the list and first of two featuring the talents of Casey Affleck. This movie pretty much sells itself, Brad Pitt is playing Jesse James. End of story. The title is a little excessive yet also fairly effective at evoking certain feelings in you about what your in store for in the movie. It's going to be a love fest that's for sure. Plus I have a slight crush on Zooey Deschanel.

Into the Wild
Dir: Sean Penn
Starring: Emile Hirsch, Vince Vaughn
-This movie is kind of an aberration for me. I do not like Sean Penn at all, he's a little to self righteous for me. I'm also not a fan of Emile Hirsch, I only watched Girl Next Door for Elisha Cuthbert and I thought Alpha Dog looked stupid and never bothered with it. I did think he showed a little potential in Lords of Dogtown but Heath Ledger and the kid with long hair who made me think of the kid with long hair from Dazed and Confused stole that movie. I may like Vince Vaughn a little but he's not going to have much of a role in the film. The reason I want to see it so badly is I read the book this is based on a few summers ago and couldn't put it down. The whole story is fascinating to me and made me a little envious of his ability to drop his entire life and head out into the wilderness to make a life on his own. I just hope those two knuckleheads don't ruin it for me.

The Kingdom
Dir: Peter Berg (The Rundown)
Starring: Jamie Foxx, Jennifer "Mrs Affleck" Garner, Chris Cooper
- Plain and simple, I loved The Rundown and Friday Night Lights, Peter Bergs two previous films. Jaime Foxx, though arrogant and quite full of himself is still pretty talented and he's solid in action movies. Chris Cooper always delivers. Jennifer Garner is hot. Minka Kelly is ever hotter. Jason Bateman is the man, even though this is a bit of a different role for him. And IMDB lists some kid named Andrew Astor as playing a character in the movie named "Big Wheel" I shit you not.

American Gangster
Dir: Ridley Scott (yea like you don't know who Ridley Scott is..fuck you)
Starring: Russell Crowe, Denzel Washington, Cuba Gooding Jr
-Russell is back with Ridley, Denzel is playing a bad guy, Cuba is...not playing a character in shitty Eddie Murphy sequels. Pure Oscar bait. Still, this movie is a lock to be fantastic because Russ and Rid can't have two shitty outings in row together, and Denzel needs this to get back into the mainstream. Ask yourself when's the last time a Denzel movie came out that you knew you had to be there to see. This is Denzel man, he used to have 2 or 3 movies like that a year but he's been in a bit of a slump lately (Out of Time anyone?) Plus I like Cuba, he's always so giddy.

I'm Not There
Dir: Todd Haynes (Far From Heaven)
Starring: Christian Bale, Cate Blanchett, Richard Gere, Heath Ledger
- A movie about Bob Dylan's life played by a bunch of different actors representing different periods in his life. How could anyone not want to see this? Well I guess if you don't like Dylan, but that would make you a puss, and none of you are puss' are you? Except you Brian. You're definitely a puss.

Grace is Gone
Dir: James Strouse
Starring: John Cusak
- I'm a big Cusak fan (who isn't?) and this movie has awards written all over it. He plays the husband of a soldier who goes to Iraq and is killed in action. The movie focuses on how he deals with the loss of his wife and how it affects their two little girls who he takes on a road trip after getting the terrible news to try and take stock of what they have left. I'm sure some people of weaker constitution will find a tear or two in this flick. Myself, I can't bring myself to cry without the presence of an undersized racehorse or diminutive safety playing for an Irish-Catholic college.

We Own the Night
Dir: James Gray
Starring: "Marky" Mark Wahlberg, Joaquin Phoenix, Robert Duvall
-I just like the feel of this movie I get from the trailer, it's set back in the day and it feels like its back in the day when watching it. Marky Mark is rising fast and hopefully makes his Mickey Ward movie with Matt Damon fucking sharpish. Joaquin is no River but he does the job pretty well.

Gone Baby Gone
Dir: Ben Affleck <-- FUCK YEA
Starring: Casey Affleck, Morgan Freeman, Ed Harris, Michelle Monaghan, Robert Wahlberg (Yes his brothers are Donnie and Marky Mark)
-The directorial debut of the man, the legend, the 'fleck. The movie has been getting great reviews every time it plays, it's based on a book from the same guy who wrote Mystic River. It's set in Boston and Benny knows his shit when it comes to movies set in Boston. It's about the kidnapping of a little girl and two detectives who are working the case to find her. This is the one I'm looking forward to the most. Why? Because Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms yo!